Sleep is the only thing on my mind these days. I have skipped work, and instead slept this whole week. My room seems like a prison at these times. The only consolation is Noah is sleeping too, close by. Sleeping through my days is for me an almost certain indication that I’m falling into a bout of depression. Noah is sleeping through his surgery and I’m sleeping into my depression. Not the mild ones, not the not-so-dark ones. It’s been coming a while now. The restlessness, the feeling that there’s some other place I ought to be, compounded by work that I did not sign up for; that’s nothing but reduced me to some corporate mule. The thing about working in a conservation tech startup is that there’s a lot of buzz around technology and zilch about conservation. It is reduced to an end product not a starting point. I got caught up in this, and now I’m going about getting myself unstuck, reclaiming some of my time to do what I trained to do, and even before that – what I just wanted to do. Which means trying times ahead for Noah and me.
A few have noticed that I’ve inhabited this non-wordy zone for a while now. I haven’t responded to emails, and even when I have it’s not more than a couple of words. Read? There are a hundred different tabs open at the same time, and books gathering dust. Even when I have been away from Bangalore, to the stream in Gurukula, I have been telling myself that I would need to observe it with a keener eye. An eye that enables me to see and not just be a shutter in a camera. The depth has been lacking in my efforts so far. No runs either or even the inclination too. I have just given up. I had given up. But the thing about depression is you know you’re down and out, and you know you have to climb out of it. You are tired but there’s also a sense of urgency. The waking hours can be good and fruitful because you know the others will be a daze or a haze. The depression can drive you as well as imprison you.
I should have recognized the signs earlier. Maybe I needed this jolt to return to my version of reality. I believe I know the dark horse fairly well now, as I know the black dog. Maybe I don’t. What I do know is that I have to live through it.